Lonnie
It has been about three months since Lonnie passed away. I've been slow to blog about my thoughts in processing this reality, mainly because I have been barely able to understand them myself. I couldn't sleep much last night and so thought about him lots, and figured it now is as good a time as any to start. So here goes:
He was so much to me when i was little and because of that, he was so much to me when i was older. The good thing about being little is that you can show how much people mean to you with very little reserve. You don't know any different. One of the hardest parts about growing up for me was taking on that reserve that i was handed. Little did I know how important it is. It protects you when those you love so dearly cannot because they are blinded by their own troubles. That is what happend with Lonnie and I.
I cannot count the number of times we had to explain to questioning looks why I called him "papa." When I was young and longing for companionship, He, when my two other older siblings would brush of my pleas, would always oblige and play some for of house with me. He was always "Papa." Something happend when we grew up and though I still looked to him for affirmation and approval, I couldn't say it, and so he rarely gave it. We still laughed and argued and lived.
Almost exactly a year and a half ago, something happened; Gwenna. Over the year prior to her birth, I had come to accept that of course, our relationship would never be quite the same as when we were young, but I still felt slightly disappointed. He had a beautiful mind, he had eyes for beautiful things. He connected with both Rose and Alexandra on an artistic and poetic level that i could not reach. I could try to appreciate their love for that world, but it was not in my blood like in theirs. But when Gwenna was born, I finally had something so beautiful and mysterious, he could not help but be captured by her spell.
I knew it would never be the same between us, we would keep laughing and arguing and living. But his love for G and his eye for the bare emotions she had as a baby and would have as a girl made me so content. Content to love her without reserve and to watch and feel every moment of her little self wondering at the world.
He was so much to me when i was little and because of that, he was so much to me when i was older. The good thing about being little is that you can show how much people mean to you with very little reserve. You don't know any different. One of the hardest parts about growing up for me was taking on that reserve that i was handed. Little did I know how important it is. It protects you when those you love so dearly cannot because they are blinded by their own troubles. That is what happend with Lonnie and I.
I cannot count the number of times we had to explain to questioning looks why I called him "papa." When I was young and longing for companionship, He, when my two other older siblings would brush of my pleas, would always oblige and play some for of house with me. He was always "Papa." Something happend when we grew up and though I still looked to him for affirmation and approval, I couldn't say it, and so he rarely gave it. We still laughed and argued and lived.
Almost exactly a year and a half ago, something happened; Gwenna. Over the year prior to her birth, I had come to accept that of course, our relationship would never be quite the same as when we were young, but I still felt slightly disappointed. He had a beautiful mind, he had eyes for beautiful things. He connected with both Rose and Alexandra on an artistic and poetic level that i could not reach. I could try to appreciate their love for that world, but it was not in my blood like in theirs. But when Gwenna was born, I finally had something so beautiful and mysterious, he could not help but be captured by her spell.
I knew it would never be the same between us, we would keep laughing and arguing and living. But his love for G and his eye for the bare emotions she had as a baby and would have as a girl made me so content. Content to love her without reserve and to watch and feel every moment of her little self wondering at the world.
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| Lonnie gave this book to G |
Just had a good cry reading this & seeing those pictures of you two so young & filled with love for each other. Thank you for sharing. Love you, aj
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Tori.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully spoken, Tori. Such love.
ReplyDeleteap
Tori, Thank you for sharing. I know the sleepless nights of processing you speak of. Much love, my friend. --Melissa
ReplyDelete